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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22446037">“The words I can never say”</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/GrandCarbuncle/pseuds/GrandCarbuncle'>GrandCarbuncle</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Final Fantasy XIV</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst and Feels, Character Study, F/M, Original Character(s), Other, Pining</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-01-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-01-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-04-28 13:33:23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,949</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22446037</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/GrandCarbuncle/pseuds/GrandCarbuncle</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>The weight of the World can sometimes be lighter than words left unspoken. When they become to heavy, Shion- the warrior of Light finds a way to let them out at last.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>G'raha Tia | Crystal Exarch/Warrior of Light</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>22</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>“The words I can never say”</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>He didn’t know that every so often since he left, she visited the tower and etched something profound, something important that the year had taught her. It was a way to vent her feelings when no ears were around to listen. Such simple pleasures were less and less nowadays.<br/>
Shion had found somewhere around the base of the tower’s structure where jagged fragments breached the land in utter chaos, a perfect spot to leave something behind where it would be relatively protected. In this forest of crystalline fragments, she’d kneel and etch something into the smooth surface of the tower. If on the off chance it would survive the ages, maybe he would find those marks she left behind. Her messages in a bottle. The last sum of words and things to tell him.<br/>
<em>‘ I learned to ask for help-‘</em><br/>
Her missions and duties as a burgeoning hero has begun to escalate. Ever since the Ultima Weapon was destroyed, more people had begun to rely on her, which meant she had to work harder. This pressed her lessons, with the myriad of teachers and mentors who had stepped forward, farther than she could have imagined.<br/>
<em>‘ I learned that sometimes it is okay to not understand everything right away- but to not be afraid to ask questions.’</em><br/>
<em>‘ I learned to trust my gut more often.’</em><br/>
<em>‘ I learned to find both sides to every story- maybe three.’</em><br/>
<em>‘ I learned what it means to truly be sorry.’</em><br/>
<em>‘ I learned to start over again- and that it doesn’t mean only once.’</em><br/>
For a man charged with ancient knowledge Shion doubted there was anything she could tell him that would be especially profound. So she opted to simply tell him what was the most important thing on her own mind- something she HAD to tell him, so he could look back at how she progressed through time after their parting.<br/>
If perhaps he could read them, all of it could be a testament to how his example inspired her. At the very least, Shion wanted him to know she was alright.<br/>
At least- that was her original plan.<br/>
But then the banquet happened. Knives dug deep into her back and the <em>“hero”</em> was branded the worst things she could imagine as friends became foes, or disappeared entirely.<br/>
<em>‘I learned sometimes the nicest face hides the darkest villain.’</em><br/>
<em>' I learned what it means to hate-</em><br/>
War pulled her in. Mercilessly, unrelenting, uncaring- and tore both her life and those around her asunder.<br/>
<em>'-and that I must try and not let it consume me.’</em></p><p> </p><p><em>‘ I learned…I can’t always save everyone.’</em><br/>
Still, even at the risk of discovery in a country now her enemy- she returned to the tower when she could to write more. As Shion grew, perhaps he’d see she was still human? She had flaws. No matter how illustrious legends may make her, Shion was always the same Adventurer he met that day in the woods. The one he messed around with.<br/>
But over time, as trust turned to betrayal she found these lines she left behind for him, became less lessons- and became confessions.<br/>
<em>‘ I learned sometimes my hardest isn’t enough.’</em><br/>
<em>‘ I learned I am not as strong as I want to be.’</em><br/>
<em>‘ I learned I’m not always as strong as I <strong>NEED</strong> to be.’</em><br/>
<em>‘ I learned there is always someone stronger.’</em><br/>
Surely if he read these by now he’d know something happened, something began to change her. He’d see her slow progression into a state she was not proud of. But somehow, venting these pent up- hidden- feelings to someone who couldn’t admonish her about them was calming.<br/>
Each time a new line was etched into the stone, she’d try and think of what he would say.<br/>
He was so clever, and introspective. No doubt he’d have some advice for her. Back then, Shion could listen to his voice endlessly and had no idea that meant something. At first when his disembodied voice teased and taunted her, she thought it was THE most condescending tone ever to be heard! WHY could someone be so annoying and sound so pleasing to the ear? The contrast was maddening. But now-<br/>
Trying to imagine how he might have answered her worries- it filled her heart with something different.<br/>
<em>‘I learned to hide how I feel from everyone- thankfully, by the time I realized I could feel anything.’</em><br/>
<em>‘I learned anyone- ANYONE could be taken away at any moment. No one is safe.’</em></p><p> </p><p>
  <em>‘ I learned I <strong>scare</strong> people.’</em>
</p><p>That one hurt to confess, but it was true.<br/>
The fighting intensified, and with each battle finished, another harder challenge took its place. It NEVER seemed to end! It frustrated and tired her out at the same time. Two completely different people, separated by culture and race, somehow had called her a beast- for completely different contexts and reasons! But BOTH saw a change in her which made her ferocious and wild.<br/>
One found it repulsive- the other found it tantalizing.<br/>
She cared little for either’s opinions, but she could not find a way to refute their assertions. Besides, one can be a beast and still fight evil,or liberate a country, right? Right??<br/>
Eventually - somehow- at some point- Shion had become the weapon the innocent sicc on the enemy. Her spirit sank further every time she felt tugged into yet another fight. Her heart began to harden for every time people looked to her for strength. She found herself finding it easier to hide how her mind screamed as she was made to fight, and fight, and FIGHT…<br/>
... and then- when that monster smiled at her. Oh how sick it made her feel.  </p><p>How that malicious face smiled with such a genuine warmth, his eyes softening at her as he brought the blade down across his neck. A look of one gazing upon kith and kin. It stole her relief in victory and overshadowed the enraptured moment as people reveled in their new found freedom.<br/>
Amongst the singing and celebration, the hero felt the walls begin to close and the shackles fasten around her hands and feet. It stole her ability to raise her voice with the others, and robbed any sleep for many nights after.<br/>
It haunted her until she returned once again to the tower. It weighed her down as she kneeled- like being in prayer… just so she could leave another message behind in the stone.<br/>
<em>‘ I learned- I may be alone. Even when I’m with friends. <strong>I’m not the same inside.</strong>’</em><br/>
<em>‘ I learned how lonely I feel.’</em><br/>
</p><p> </p><p>And when she felt this way, she would think of him.<br/>
</p><p> </p><p><em>‘ I learned I miss you. Now more than ever.’</em><br/>
Where did she go? That adventurer who ran about doing errands and sewn little frilly things behind closed doors. Where did that scavenger who collected lavender seeds go? Where did the excited delver of dungeons and ruins, wanting to learn new things.. Where did she go?<br/>
When did she start falling asleep next to the crystal stone- and wishing she didn’t wake?<br/>
When did she start wishing she’d just skip the era away and wake up somewhere completely different? Like he would.<br/>
<em>‘I learned, I don’t think I am- who I thought I was. I miss the me I was when we met.’</em><br/>
<em>‘I learned that I have trouble staying calm when I can’t protect those around me.. This feeling inside, its growing.’</em><br/>
<em>‘ I learned I’m scared of myself.’</em><br/>
</p><p> </p><p>She dropped the pretense and just spoke to him plainly. Like he was looking at her from the other side of the wall. Listening.<br/>
<em>‘ I’m scared of myself. What am I? What am I turning into?’</em><br/>
<em>‘ I miss you.’ </em>Soon she stopped learning- she couldn’t concentrate when people were falling left and right. She hit a wall within herself. First at the war meeting, then in the Rising Stones, then on the battlefield at ghimlyt dark. She couldn't do anything for them!<br/>
<em>‘ I’m so powerless.’</em><br/>
<em>‘ Someone is taking my friends from me- someone far more powerful than I could imagine!’</em><br/>
<em>‘I miss how I used to feel; when I think of you, I’m me again for just a little bit. I’m the person you met that day in the forest. I miss being that person. I wasn’t like this- I wasn’t angry. I didn't feel so much despair.’</em><br/>
She came back to the tower when she could- but duty called her away from it. Eventually Shion was alone in her own head as the world began to fall apart. Even if the Empire was called to a stalemate, the walls were still closing in, and like the caged animal she was- Shion wanted to claw her way out. If she could just find the force taking what little was left precious to her- …<br/>
...she wanted to sink her lance- her claws in and tear its throat out!!<br/>
</p><p> </p><p>And there- just as quickly did she think of this, did she realize how far she’d fallen.<br/>
</p><p> </p><p>The realization made her sick.<em> ‘Where did I go again?’</em> She’d wonder, as her eyes are drawn to the tower. Back once more- only for another reason. Another mission, another challenge, another fight- another enemy.<br/>
Though... perhaps before she looked for this token- she could write just one thing more. There was no telling where or what would happen, and the more she stared at the shimmering tower a familiar light sparked inside her.<br/>
So her feet found their way back to that place by the base- still untouched, still hidden, still safe from the world changing around it. Even her.<br/>
Taking her chisel out, the ‘warrior of light’ knelt just like every other time, and began etching-<br/>
Just once more. In case I never get a second chance.<br/>
<em>‘ I learned when I fall deep inside my own darkness, I think of you. The memory of how I felt when I was with you saves me over and over again. You bring me back to myself. In case this is my last message- I want you to know, I hope you realize- ‘</em><br/>
</p><p> </p><p>The hero stopped short. Why was this so hard? Shion tried again, and again to finish the thought- but her hands dropped, shaking with hesitation.<br/>
Somehow this was harder than anything she had ever done before. She could walk towards danger any moment of the day now- but etching this simple thing- it was somehow more difficult.<br/>
It didn't take too long to understand why; A million ramifications ran through her mind. Mostly driven by her desire to not trouble him. What was he supposed to DO if she told him? She would be long dead before he saw this- assuming he ever found it…<br/>
What if he never did?<br/>
</p><p> </p><p>That thought made her heart sink, and simultaneously… feel...at ease.<br/>
What he doesn’t find- cannot trouble him will it? Perhaps maybe that was all this ever was. A place to put her feelings so they haunted her less. Seeing them reflected back at her gave her a different perspective. Perhaps this would be the same?<br/>
<em>‘- I hope you know how much your light saves me. G’raha Tia. I love you. You are always- right here- inside- where I can see your smile, and be the me I was that day once more. I can never thank you enough for that.’</em></p><p> </p><p><em>‘ I’ve learned I can keep trying.’</em><br/>
She stared at it a good long moment. There was no taking it back now, and she didn't have the heart to smash it. It was time to go, time to find her friends and answer the call once more. If she never came back- then this would be fine.<br/>
</p><p> </p><p>This was enough.</p>
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